The Way I loved You
by butterfly6
Summary: She'd always swear that her heart had stopped beating for those few moments where everything stopped to sink in, and it had never gone back to beating correctly afterwards. It was always off and imperfect, as she suddenly was without Sam.


**Okay so this has been killing me to be written since my sister got her new Selena Gomez cd. I was shocked I even liked this song, nothing against Selena she has a beautiful voice but I just never really liked her music. This is the slowest song on the cd and also my favorite. Beautiful song, listen to it. Anyway enough rambling. Thanks to my awesome Beta RedEnglishRose (check out her stories, I loved them them they're amazing) for putting up with my horrible grammer and fixing this up for me!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, if I owned Twilight it wouldn't have an Edward, only Bella and Jacob. Yea I'm Team Jacob, deal with it. :) Read on my lovelies, read on.**

_Everything's cool, yeah_

_It's all gonna be okay, yeah_

_And I know,_

_Maybe I'll even_

_Laugh about it someday_

_But not today, no_

_Cause I don't feel so good_

_I'm tangled up inside_

_My heart is on my sleeve_

_Tomorrow is a mystery to me._

Leah looked back at the house that held her every childhood memory, the good and bad. Her mother stood on the front porch, tears in her eyes as she watched her only daughter pack her last suitcase into the back of her car. She let the first one slip as Leah climbed the steps back up the porch and hugged her.

"Oh, Leah," she murmured.

"It's for the best, mom, we all know it's for the best," Leah replied weakly, pulling back from her mom's grasp and turning to face her little brother, Seth. Seth was attempting to hold it together for the sake of their mother and not cry.

"Please don't go, Leah, please," he said, throwing himself into her arms.

"I have to, little brother, I have to heal," she whispered, a small sad smile playing on her lips as she let him go. Only they knew the pain Leah had suffered through the last eight years. Only they had seen her seen her at her worst. Them and the rest of the pack anyway, but that's why she was leaving. She was tired of everyone reading her like an open book and having her every emotion shining through for the world to see. This was the only way to move on, the only way she could look back and laugh at the end of all her pain. She knew it was going to be okay, maybe not today but it would be. She didn't know where she was heading yet, it was a mystery; she had her life savings packed and her every belonging. She could only wonder what tomorrow would bring.

_And it might be wonderful_

_It might be magical_

_It might be everything I've waited for,_

_A miracle_

_Oh, but even if I fall in love again_

_With someone new_

_It could never be the way I loved you._

As she sped down the main road leading out of La Push, her mind jumped to him. He knew she was leaving, but she had never bothered to phase after deciding to go and she had no clue what his feelings were. She gripped her steering wheel roughly and tried to forget him - that was the past, this was the now, and there was only the future. Even as she forced her mind from him, it fought back, washing memories over her. He was her first everything: first boyfriend, first kiss…first time. She remembered their first kiss clearly; it had been everything it said it would be in the fairytales. Absolutely perfect as the rain had fallen around them and her body had been pressed into his. She remembered the first time he told her he loved her. He had snuck in through her window and was holding her against his chest as she drifted to sleep, his warm breath fanning her ear. _I love you Lee-Lee._ She hadn't answered at the time but she remembered thinking how perfectly her life was falling into place as she had drifted off. Sam was everything she had wanted, and he'd always have a place in her heart. It didn't matter where she was heading, how perfectly her life went from here; it would never compare to what they had had, not in her book.

_Letting you go is_

_Making me feel so cold, yeah_

_And I've been trying to make_

_Believe it doesn't hurt_

_But that makes it worse, yeah_

_See, I'm a wreck inside_

_My tongue is tied and my_

_Whole body feels so weak_

_The future may be all I really need._

Her vision suddenly blurred with tears as she remembered Emily's visit to La Push, the moment that had changed everything. She had been telling Emily about Sam non-stop on the phone, and though she was worried he'd been acting weird lately, he was always her Sam. She still saw it in his eyes: he loved her, she was his everything, and that was enough, even if he hadn't been completely himself recently.

When Emily came down to La Push for the weekend, no one could have expected it to end this way - no one knew, it just hit. One moment, Emily was heading to the store to buy a few things for their girls' night in, and the next thing Leah knew, it was dark and she hadn't come back yet. She'd never dreamed she'd step into her own backyard to find her cousin making out with her boyfriend. She'd always swear that her heart had stopped beating for those few moments where everything stopped to sink in, and it had never gone back to beating correctly afterwards. It was always off and imperfect, as she suddenly was without Sam.

She couldn't move; she felt like her lungs were on fire and she couldn't figure out why until her body kicked in and drew a breath for her. It was her slight noise that broke them apart, and in the moments it took them to notice her, she'd fled, still looking over her shoulder and wondering if her eyes were lying to her. She'd tripped over the stairs leading up the porch and sat there brokenly, staring at them. A whispered '_Sam_' left her lips before a sob escaped her and she ran up the stairs to her room.

She wasn't the same after that, she couldn't be. She hurt not just emotionally, but physically – she ached deep in her bones in a way she'd never imagined possible. He'd come in, attempting to speak to her, but she'd kept her window shut tightly and her dad wouldn't let him past the front door. His gun was loaded and ready whenever necessary. Seth crept into her room most nights and snuggled into her bed with her, understanding her pain, even at such a young age.

"I'm sorry Sam hurt you, Leah," he would say, reaching up a small hand to stroke her cheek and she would smile weakly, pretending she was okay.

It became a cover up for her mother and Seth make believing that her heart wasn't hurting, pretending she wasn't constantly cold and broken, attempting to shut herself down. It made the pain worse somehow, like trying to cover a cut that needed stitches with a simple band-aid. She shook herself and came back to the present, pressing her foot harder on the gas pedal as she was fast approaching the border of La Push. She'd breathe easier once she was away from here and would embrace the future - it was what she really needed right now.

_And it might be wonderful, yeah_

_It might be magical, uh oh_

_It might be everything I've waited for,_

_A miracle_

_Oh, but even if I fall in love again_

_With someone new_

_It could never be the way I loved you._

She couldn't understand how he could leave her when he'd said he loved her until she phased. She hated it right from the beginning, being a wolf; it took away any last private part from her and forced her to build a wall between her heart and everyone on the outside. Her thoughts weren't hers anymore and suddenly everyone could see how she had been pining for Sam for all the years since he'd imprinted on Emily. So Leah did the only thing she could - she put on a tough exterior and closed herself off. She protected herself with insults and a bitchy attitude; she couldn't afford to be weak, not when he was always in her mind and all he ever thought of was Emily. What made it hurt the most, though, was that she came to realize that he still loved her. It would be the briefest thing that let her know: a flash of their perfect used-to-be relationship through his mind, a kiss, or a joke, or a moment they'd shared before it had all been ruined. All these tiny thoughts before he was pulled back under with thoughts of Emily clouding him.

She was angry at him, angry that he wasn't strong enough to fight the imprint, to break it off and come back to her, back to the way things had been. Especially once she found out that a female wolf could never imprint. She wasn't having her cycle anymore and so there was no reason to imprint. The only reason for imprinting really was to find your perfect genetic match; Leah didn't have one because she couldn't reproduce. That had killed her slowly as well, all hopes of the family and children she'd always wanted were dashed, and she was a mutant dead-end genetic freak destined to be alone for the rest of her life.

She didn't realize she was crying until a tear slid down her cheek, following the curve of her jaw and then down to her neck. She reached up a hand quickly to wipe it away before focusing on the road again and just in time to stop from hitting the giant black wolf blocking her way.

"What the hell, Sam!" she yelled, jumping out of her car and stomping up to him.

_Like a first love,_

_The one and only true love_

_Wasn't it written all over my face, yeah_

_I loved you like you loved me _

_Like something pure and holy_

_Like something that can never be replaced._

He phased right there in the middle of the street, not caring that anyone could have seen. He pulled on his cut-offs and stared down at the broken girl in front of him, the one he had broken, her eyes red from obvious crying, and he knew he had been the one to upset her.

"Leah," he pleaded, hoarsely, "You can't go, the pack needs you." She pulled her full lips into a sneer - the lips he could remember kissing - curling them mockingly.

"Yeah right, their probably throwing a party right now, probably happy I'm gone."

"Then stay for me, Lee-Lee, don't leave." She froze at his words, her face opening up for him to see her every emotion as she stared blankly. Leah was thrown back into the memory as fresh as if it was yesterday.

_Leah sat in her backyard by the bushes bordering the property, Sam's head resting in her lap as she finished her daisy chain, humming to herself. She laid the completed daisy chain next to her in the grass, staring down at Sam, who had his eyes closed. She absentmindedly ran her fingers through his chopped off hair - she missed how long it used to be. He had only just come back from being missing for two weeks yesterday and she didn't care that he seemed strange and different because she had her Sam back and that was all that mattered._

_"Promise me something, Sam," she said, softly. His eyes snapped open, his love shining from them openly._

_"Anything," he whispered, pulling her hand to his lips and kissing the palm._

_"Promise me you'll never leave me again."_

_"Oh, Leah, I promise. I'm sorry I hurt you," he said sitting up and cupping her face. "I swear I'll never leave you again; I love you Lee-Lee. I'll stay with you for always, just like I know you'll stay for me. Lee-Lee, don't ever leave." He lowered his lips to hers and kissed her._

_"I won't, Sam, not ever," she answered pulling him in for another kiss._

Leah snapped back to the present and growled at Sam.

"Don't you dare, Sam, don't you dare!" she screamed. "I'm not the only one guilty of breaking promises." Her words stung in all their truth, and he hated that he'd hurt her, hated how he was to blame for the transformation from his sweet Lee-Lee to the hard girl in front of him, hated that she had built her own defense mechanism against him and everyone else. She turned and headed back to the car, fully intending on driving away from here before she broke down. She could feel the locks on her emotions rusting as she stood there. She barely made it three steps before Sam grabbed her elbow and hauled her back to him.

"I won't let you leave, Leah, I don't know what I'd do without you," he said, losing his own hold on his emotions, the hold he had been forced to develop as Alpha. If he broke apart the whole pack would, but he was cracking now. Emily was what he needed, like air or food; she was what kept him tethered and whole. But Leah, Leah was who he'd chosen, like the chocolate cake instead of the water that a parched man would need. Emily kept him the family man, but Leah released him from that; she made him want to be reckless and young again. Emily was what kept him planted, but Leah was what made him soar. Leah was his next heartbeat, his next breath she was his very essence. Emily was his other half, but Leah had also been his other half. She was just so startlingly and refreshingly Leah. She was like fireworks on a deadly silent night, or the adrenaline when they went cliff diving. Emily was what kept him alive. But Leah, Leah was what made him feel alive.

Leah swung back her free hand and punched him, even though she knew it wouldn't hurt him. It shocked him enough to make him release her though, and she stumbled back heading to the car. This time she made it to the door before Sam caught her again and spun her to face him.

"Why are you doing this, Sam? Why can't you just let me be? You've found your happy ending, so let me find mine," she pleaded, trying to pull weakly from his grasp.

"I can't, Leah, I can't because I…still love you," he said. Leah froze, her heart contracting painfully against the words she always wanted to hear and knew she wouldn't.

"It's not fair, Sam! Do you have any idea what its like for me to have to watch you and Emily?" She choked over her words, remembering the moments she'd seen between them. The way he'd look at Emily, just like how he used to look at her, or the smile that didn't belong to her anymore. She'd even stupidly passed by their house one night after phasing and had heard Emily's moans, moans that Leah herself used to make. It hurt picturing Sam touching Emily like he had touched her. It hurt knowing that everything that had belonged to her didn't anymore. He'd once told her how irreplaceable she was, and yet, how easily replaced she had been.

Sam watched helplessly as the first tears slipped from Leah's eyes; there wasn't anything he could do. He was angry at himself for not being able to break the imprint when he saw how deep down Leah had fallen into the darkness, and not be able to pull her back out.

"Sshhh, Lee-Lee, don't cry," he whispered. He kissed her cheek where a tear had ran down, tasting the salt of her pain. He kissed her eyes, her nose, her cheeks, and then his lips were on hers, neither of them fighting it. The kiss brought back every memory of before - before he had phased, before he'd imprinted. Back to when it had been Sam and his Lee-Lee against the world, back to when he'd sworn this was the girl he would marry.

Leah poured every pent up emotion into the kiss, all the pain and suffering she had been forced through, and all of the heartache. She pressed her body closer to his and locked her fingers at the nape of his neck, hanging on to him. They slid to the ground, now sitting, Leah half on his lap, never breaking the kiss. Sam's tongue invaded the mouth he hadn't tasted in so long but had always dreamed of. She tasted just as he remembered, like apples and fresh air, and it was her own unique taste that he'd missed so much. They kissed for what seemed like forever and it felt so good to be back in each others arms.

It started raining, little drops at first, and then heavy pelting rain that drenched them thoroughly. They broke apart and Leah laughed at the irony of it all. Of course their last kiss would be in the rain, just as their first had been. She met Sam's eyes and pressed her forehead to his, raising a hand to cup his cheek.

_And it was wonderful,_

_It was magical,_

_It was everything I've waited for,_

_A miracle_

_And if I should ever fall in love again_

_With someone new_

_Oh, it could never be the way_

_No, it will never be the way_

_I loved you._

"Sam, what we had together was…magic. You're everything I want, and our love is everything I want. We were a miracle. But I need to go, I need to move on. I want to love again, and feel again, and be _me_ again - be the Leah I was…and I need you to give me the chance to do that," Leah whispered, their eyes still locked. She could see him battling with himself, fighting the imprint, but it was too much, and he was pulled back under again. "You're my first love, Sam. No matter where I go, or who I find, I'm never going to love them like I love you, not ever. I hope there's a place inside you for me too," she said.

"There's always going to be a place for you, Lee-Lee, always." Their lips touched once more, but gentler this time, and lingering.

"I'm sorry I broke my promise, and I'm sorry I broke your heart," he whispered. She smiled sadly and stood up, offering him her hand.

"I'm sorry we both broke our promises, Sam, but I'm never going to be sorry I loved you, and if a broken heart is the consequence of that, then I'll take it." She hugged him one last time and got back into her beat up old car, driving away. In her rear view mirror, she could see him still standing in the middle of the road, watching her drive away, his body distorted by the rain which had lightened to a drizzle. Her heart was breaking all over again but this time she knew it would heal better, because the future was all she had. She could finally let go of the painful memories, and everything she had held in for the last eight years, and move on. She could finally love again, but never the way she had loved Sam, never that way.

**Sooooo what did you think. Pretty please review!**


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